First entry


This is my very own new device, a tablet (It’s a Lenevo tab 2 a10-70), making it my first entry on wordpress with it. I’ve just started my studies, which means I’ve only just gotten out of the sour hell that it was trying to get work (and swinging by depressing meetings with social services (that only made my life that much more difficult)), and I’ve actually fallen in love with my new life.

Perhaps I’m this enthusiastic about my studies because I’m no longer clinging to the “comfortable” idea of death as opposed to before when every interaction with NAV made me want to kill myself seven times in a row.

I’m not gonna get overly excited, but I am actually authentically, and amazingly enough, happy. Unless I’m bipolar and this is just another ‘up’ in an otherwise fairly rollercoaster-like existance.

I’m probably feeling this good because I’m relieved. I had months of stress, depression, worries, negativity and impossibility, and now that life is less impossible to live, it feels great.
I can finally progress. I had a look at live as uneducated, unqualified, and it scared the living shite (thats how shitty it was) out of me. It was definitely not for me. I need to get enough work in a life like that, or I’ll go crazy. And excuse me for being so bold, but social services (NAV) is not a fucking free ticket to an easy life. It’s fucking hell, steared by incompetant cold robots, and no matter how much you try to get your shit together, everythings impossible, and they don’t want you to improve, because it’s a shitty system that doesn’t work, and no one wants to help you eventhough their brochures say differently.


I’ve started my studies, and I make sure I read the assigned texts, and I’m actually enjoying it. I never thought I was interested in learning in this standard way (actually studying), but here I am. I’m gonna study the shit out of my new books, and I’m gonna apprichiate every single second of it. Because being able to go to school and learn about relevant stuff that I will benefit from now as later, is a privelige, and one I’m not willing to forget all about.

So I’m grateful. I’m happy to have learned how hard life without education can be, and I’m thankful that I hadn’t spoiled all my chances for studying before realizing the importance of education.

I live in a student city. Bergen is just filled with knowledge. I can’t wait to fill my brain with names, dates, rules of grammar, to understand the development of language, to become a smarter and more interesting version of myself.
After all, knowledge is key. Key to what, you say?
Oh, just everything.

As I’m sitting here at Dromedar coffee shop (not the kind of coffee shop that sells special brownies and whatnot), I find myself surrounded by noise. Mostly students chatting about all kinds of irrelevant unimportant subjects, sound of a steamer attached to a big coffee machine of some sorts, silent footsteps of people going in and out of the shop, and the almost innoticable song of Jimi Hendrix in the far background.

The song changes into something christmas-like jingly shitty tune, and my bladder is close to overreaching it’s limited capacity. Staying hydrated is one of the best and worst things you can do to your normal, everyday situations, because you will feel better – but you’ll also need a toilet every forth hour or so.

Im waiting for my friend Martine. She’s kind of like a vampire, sleeps during the day and can’t sleep at night. Come to think of it, thats probably her meant-to-be situation. She’s too restless at night, and of course that’s because she’s meant to be hunting! I can’t believe it.. I cant wait to tell her about this genious conclusion, I’m sure it will be appriciated.

My legs are shaking, I grow impatient, and I realize that I’m running out of time. She’s here!!!!!

Stay awesome

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Frustrating days

I woke up hours after my alarm started going off. It was like my mind was blocking out the sound, which is strange as I frequently change the alarm tune. But for the first time in a few days, I woke up without my boyfriend bringing me coffee in bed. So I made myself some hot chocolate, tea for my man, and a simple breakfast for the two of us. Today was a day that I was supposed to be social. I was meant to bake Focaccia bread, and take part in this social event with five other girls. I made my usual last-minute-canceling, as I just couldn’t bare the thought of stressing, baking, walking and socializing.

I should get out more, but between applying to jobs that I never hear back from and trying to keep the house tidy, I just don’t have the energy. Especially now, as I’m in a tight spot financially.

It’s too bad, really. I have so much to offer. I despise the empty hours, I get restless and depressed. A few weeks without work can be alright, like a vacation, but after a month or two, I need to start doing things again in order to function and evolve. I learn quickly, I’ve recently taught myself to sow, but it really wasn’t that hard. I guess this is why I’m here, blogging again. Except I have nothing to talk about but my frustration over nothing to fill my days with.

I suppose I should spend my empty hours on practicing guitar, ukulele, piano.. I guess I should spend this time wisely, make a plan about my days and activities. There are only so many jobs I can apply to on a weekly basis, and there’s not really much to do about but wait for a call, email, text, letter….

The other day I tried to plan a painting to paint. I was sketching, and failing tremendously. I threw away the paper, and just started painting lines on the canvas. It ended up far beyond my abilities. It’s not quite finished, but I think it’s the best painting I’ve done so far. Maybe I should try and finish this tonight.

I should also practice my songs, and try to spread my music more. Create a name for myself. Isn’t that how the expression goes?

Feeling better now. Thanks for listening to my problems. Or should I say; reading them?

Stay awesome, keep it real.


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A new chapter

I wish I believed in my writing. I wish I believed enough in my writing to properly commit to doing it. I don’t. I get momentarily deceptions of confidence, but then I lose it almost as soon as it lands in the palm of my hands.

I wonder how it works. How can I believe in myself reguarding so many different aspects and genres, despite what everyone says, and still – when it comes to writing, to express myself, although I can hear people cheering as my fingers type each letter – I doubt myself?

I wonder.

Is it possible that we are all low on self esteem when it comes to the things we know? Or are our critics simply shouting out opinions at random, blind to the truth, or perhaps even neglecting the true nature of talent itself?

I’ve been told so many times that music is not the way to go. “Impossible”, being one of their favorite definitions. That’s the only thing I wanted to do, it’s what I’ve identified myself with for most of my life. My dream has always been to be a musician.

When I was a child I recieved nothing but support.

When a person is a child, you don’t want to take away their dreams. You don’t want your child to look at the world and the future as something boring, unattractive, meaningless “thing”. You want them to be happy. You tell them (and probably whilst sincerely thinking you mean it) , that “You can do anything you set your mind to.”

Then they get older, you’re looking at the bills, they ignorantly and excited show you their newest work, so certain you’ll applaud, so sure that you’ll support. But the child is no longer a child. The child has evolved to teenager. Teenager is so much closer to adult than child. There are limits, you say. Only 1 out of 7 million people make it, you say.
And what? Your child shrugs it’s shoulders and starts building an interest for mathematics?

Fuck off.

They move their focus to the floor. They nod, if they don’t try to fight you at first. They cry behind your back, and they stop showing you what they’ve been working on. They stop sharing the tiny bits of their mind and soul. And you wonder what happened to the happy, excited child that once invited you in, not knowing you shut it down, broke their trust or hunger for adventure. And then somehow, you’ll start complementing something you truly feel, know, think, is their greatest talent of all, something they for sure can become the best at, and your good-for-nothing-child without directions, goals, education, will shrug her/his shoulders, and not believe your words at all. Because how can this be different from before?

How can you say that I can be a writer now, like you said I could be a musician before?
How can I trust your words again, when you deceived me, rejected me, played me, just for temporary smiles and sweet oblivion and happy photographs?

No, I know I’m far from talented. I know there’s nothing I can finish. I know I can’t finish a story, finish a song, finish a study, finish a chore.

I’m a failure at this moment, and I’m well aware and content about this fact.

But in 16 days I’m moving away. Different city. Different deal. Far away from deception, except the one I carry out myself.

Far away from everyone I care about, my sister, my nieces, my life. I don’t want to think about that now. My eyes start dripping when I think about Australia.

When I move, it’s for better things. When I move it’s for music, for meeting equal-minded soul-mates. When I move it’s because I can’t stay glued to this shitty small-town, and because it’s time I grow up and start a own life of mine.

When I move, there’ll be no weeks without my boyfriend close to me. When I move, there’ll be no psychological shields surrounding me. No fear of painting, singing, playing, dancing, I’ll do whatever I please. I love my family so much it hurts to think about it, but it’s damaging me to stay here, and I need to go.

And if I start believing in myself regarding anything, then, once I’ve become the best;
I’ll let you know


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Family day at the beach

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Fuck ’em

Today I woke up exhausted. Still, after two cups of coffee, some toast, and a shower, I started dancing around and singing. These days are a rarity, when music sounds 10 times better than usual, when your moves aren’t half bad, when energy completely overflows your body.

I’ve made depressing drafts, and failed to publish it. Mostly because there are people that I know, who read this blog from time to time, but also because publishing it would be even more depressing than actually writing it.

Today I feel like doing everything. Typical of me to get like this at 16:00 on a Sunday.. How come I don’t just wake up like this at 08:00 every morning? Mood swings are the worst. But the way I feel right now makes up for all the time feeling adequate. I want to play guitar, write, paint, exercise, go for a walk, dance.. I even want to clean.

Not putting on make up today. Not gonna meet people today. Gonna absorb all this loveliness by my lonesome self. Not that i’m lonesome. What kind of a word is that anyway? And why do I hear Elvis Presley’s voice in my head while typing it?

Nah, it does make sense. Looked it up, I did.

I want to move. I want to learn. I want to experience. I want to meet the people I’ve never seen before. I want to start up my new band. Not that it’s all about me. Haha, except it is. My head, my blog, my dreams.

I want to do all this, but there’s this tiny little problem about it. I got no talent. I suppose that the talent could develop eventually. Like a step 2.

Step One could be to move away and meet the people I’m supposed to meet. The people I don’t know exist yet. And then Step Two could be to evolve. Start playing with better musicians, learn, progress. I think I need a plan. People who succeed always got a plan. Where do I go? Where do I begin? How do I finance it all? Do I just go, and figure it all out when I get there?

Location, location, location. That’s what our teacher always said in media and communication. Not always, but often. To make a plan, find the location. To make a movie, find the locations of the filming, etc..
But I am a very absent-minded, and I easily get lost. Luckily I’m good at adapting, and while getting lost, I never lose myself. I do believe there are the places you are trying to go, and then there are the places you are supposed to be at. Like missing your bus, and ending up exchanging incredible stories with a stranger, enriching your experiences, broadening your horizons. Or like taking a shortcut, ending up taking the longest route, and finding some answer you’ve been looking for, simply by exploring your own mind in peace.

Could I possibly have a place in this world after all? Could it be… that I might do the things they never thought I was able to? Could it be, that I am stronger and better than the criticism I got while speaking my mind?

Perhaps I am supposed to be more certain of myself. I used to want things for myself, but the past five years, I seem to want things to show the negative people that they were wrong. I want to be great, so that they’ll see that they were wrong. Maybe it’s for the wrong reasons, but I find it’s the most inspirational one. Gives me an edge, gives me a drive.

But first, I should move. I should move out of my comfort zone, my bubble, put myself out there and be the dartboard with no fear of darts. Bring it on. You know?
And then, with more experience, I could move away. Away from this house, away from this town. And then I would be doing so, with more faith in myself, more confidence, more talent, more soul. If you’re gonna do something, do it like you mean it. I guess it’s time for my new slogan. “Play music, or die trying”. Lame.

But I need to look at things differently. I need to push harder. I need to grab a hold of what breaks me, and squeeze it into hours of work. I need to catch the breath I’ve lost, the air I so desperately search for when waking up in the middle of the night. Need to jump between the rocks that seem to be too far away from each other. Need to take a leap, need to believe, need to do…try… Need change. Need to not give a fuck about anything else.

Maybe that’s why I leave people, leave relationships. I think they make me feel like I’m being held back. Like shackles, fetters, binding my feet to the ground, imprisoning my wrists around their hearts. No, it’s not for me.

I’m meant to be alone, I can feel it in my skin. I’m supposed to have friends, but no restricting partnership. I’m supposed to have good people around me, the kind that supports me when I get my new ticket out, the kind that cheers on me when I jump and fall on my face. The kind that doesn’t give a damn about ownership. The kind of friends that want you to be free, and happy. The kind that’s hard to find.

I’m lucky to have found so many already. I’ve lost many friends, but the good ones stayed. And I’m happy to have combed out the tangled hair.

I want to be my own person. I am my own person. But I can’t stand it when some person takes more place than I do. I hate it when I become a supporting role and this human takes the lead role of my movie. It’s happened, you know. It’s easy to slip into that glitch. You start hanging out with this person’s friends, and you sort of morph into their movie, and lose your own. And you change. I’m done with it.

My family thinks I’ll reproduce eventually. Although I’ve made it perfectly clear that I won’t provide new family members, unless dogs count. Don’t want it, don’t have time for it, and I’ll probably never be ready for it financially nor mentally.

This is all about one simple thing. My life has become a mission, for one thing only: To prove to the people around me that I can, that I could, that they are wrong, that they were wrong all along. That everything IS possible, that you CAN accomplish your dreams. No matter how unlikely or difficult the success may be. I will do it. It will happen. Some day I’ll be talented, some day I’ll bring something to the table. Some day I’ll be able to make people feel, make people brave, make people believe, with music. Or with words. Or with pictures. Some day.

I don’t believe in compliments, I believe in criticism. And I think I am my own worst critic. That’s probably cause I don’t have a filter, as I don’t have to spare my own feelings. I try not to shatter myself, I try to see the good things about what I do as well as the bad. Sometimes I even get surprised, because I’ve told myself I’m shit so many times, and then I’ll hear a recording I’ve made that doesn’t suck.

I’m guessing that it’ll get better the more I practice. And I’m guessing that my criticism and skills will enhance simultaneously. Which is progress.

This is it. Time to get started.

Time to get started. Fuck all the people, held back by negative, poisonous tongues. They don’t know better, they don’t know how much strength this provides us. Let’s prove them wrong, take a jump, take a risk, not look back.. Let’s show these assholes how possible everything really is.

Stay awesome, stay strong, words mean nothing when actions prove otherwise.

And, have a wonderful day.


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Struck by inspirational distress


This is why we use picks. I’m feeling really inspired right now, my life is about to change. I might fall into depression, or i might rise gloriously. Do I go for the impossible? Do I say fuck you to all the obstacles, burge beyond them, and fight through the mass of doubt that I am so generously handed? How do I know if I even stand a chance?

I’m sure that if I don’t, it’ll still be worth the try. It’s going to be a hell of a ride. Regardless.

Be ready. I’m gonna make your head spin. If not now – soon. If not soon – later. If not later – I’m either dead or you are.

Stay awesome, you can do whatever you want.

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Love and commitment

Today I would like to write about love and commitment.
Relationships and promises. Forever and never. Love.

The “I love you so much I hate you”, the “I am yours and you
are mine”, the “I love you more than you love me”, and of course
the “Let’s just break it off”.

Love never dies, it moves, it changes. So when we decide not
to be a part of the couple we once were, it’s not about lost love
and broken promises. It’s not about false impressions, or lies.
It’s rather the change of love, and the changes within the
individuals, spiritually and maybe even physically.

Sure, it is beautiful when two people find each other,
experience love at first sight, and stay together for the rest
of their lives. But if they stay together, just because of a
promise, just because of commitment, or the fear of living
alone, is it not more pathetic than beautiful?

Perhaps I am being cynical here.

Love and commitment deserve all the respect in the world.
To make a decision and to stick with it forever, it is truly
a remarkable thing to do. And if that commitment makes
you happy, wake up with a smile on your face, then my guess
is that you are a very lucky person.

Maybe we can create our own happiness. I’m not saying that
every relationship has their expiration date, although a lot of
couples break up just because they don’t want to sort out the
quarrels and issues that they may have along the way, it’s
just that I believe that some people are meant to fall in love,
but not to stay together.

After all, it is when we love that we are the most alive.

It is when we fall in love that we awaken, feel every beat of
our hearts, dance in the rain, and lie sleepless in our beds just
thinking of things we can’t change or manipulate.
Love is what makes life interesting.

But get this, being miserable is also all of those things. It
is beautiful, the pain that comes with loss. It is remarkable,
the loneliness, the loss of control. The longing for the voice
you used to hear so often, and the spring that makes you
anxious, excited, bubbling with anticipation – just before
fall in love all over again.

Love never dies, but a relationship can end. Personalities
change, our goals and dreams evolve, and sometimes that
leads to a break-up. Sometimes it leads to a new special
chapter of the relationship.

But if one person thinks it’s a bad idea to continue the
romance, there’s no use in convincing them otherwise.

Sometimes we don’t understand our partner’s decision.
Personally I think it’s best to talk about it properly, so that
there’s no confusion as to why it’s over. If the other person
is not ready to hear explanations, decides to blame you, and
respond with anger and arguments, then that’s their choice.

Maybe someday they will realize that it was for the best.

I don’t have much to say about the perfect relationship,
because there is no issues, no doubt, no misery…

To promise forever, and leave the next day, is not a good
commitment. To promise forever, and then months later
find that there is not much hold in the relationship, is
evolving and realizing factors that you were too in love
to see before.

It is of course hard to hurt someone you care about.
But if it feels right, it is right. Pain will decrease, become
more and more transparent, and eventually spring will
come once more. Acceptance is important, and in time
it will come. We love, we love differently, we change.

I don’t think there’s anything bad in love. Regardless.
And maybe we even learn how to love better as we
change and dare to move on.

Stay awesome <3

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