Today I woke up exhausted. Still, after two cups of coffee, some toast, and a shower, I started dancing around and singing. These days are a rarity, when music sounds 10 times better than usual, when your moves aren’t half bad, when energy completely overflows your body.
I’ve made depressing drafts, and failed to publish it. Mostly because there are people that I know, who read this blog from time to time, but also because publishing it would be even more depressing than actually writing it.
Today I feel like doing everything. Typical of me to get like this at 16:00 on a Sunday.. How come I don’t just wake up like this at 08:00 every morning? Mood swings are the worst. But the way I feel right now makes up for all the time feeling adequate. I want to play guitar, write, paint, exercise, go for a walk, dance.. I even want to clean.
Not putting on make up today. Not gonna meet people today. Gonna absorb all this loveliness by my lonesome self. Not that i’m lonesome. What kind of a word is that anyway? And why do I hear Elvis Presley’s voice in my head while typing it?
Nah, it does make sense. Looked it up, I did.
I want to move. I want to learn. I want to experience. I want to meet the people I’ve never seen before. I want to start up my new band. Not that it’s all about me. Haha, except it is. My head, my blog, my dreams.
I want to do all this, but there’s this tiny little problem about it. I got no talent. I suppose that the talent could develop eventually. Like a step 2.
Step One could be to move away and meet the people I’m supposed to meet. The people I don’t know exist yet. And then Step Two could be to evolve. Start playing with better musicians, learn, progress. I think I need a plan. People who succeed always got a plan. Where do I go? Where do I begin? How do I finance it all? Do I just go, and figure it all out when I get there?
Location, location, location. That’s what our teacher always said in media and communication. Not always, but often. To make a plan, find the location. To make a movie, find the locations of the filming, etc..
But I am a very absent-minded, and I easily get lost. Luckily I’m good at adapting, and while getting lost, I never lose myself. I do believe there are the places you are trying to go, and then there are the places you are supposed to be at. Like missing your bus, and ending up exchanging incredible stories with a stranger, enriching your experiences, broadening your horizons. Or like taking a shortcut, ending up taking the longest route, and finding some answer you’ve been looking for, simply by exploring your own mind in peace.
Could I possibly have a place in this world after all? Could it be… that I might do the things they never thought I was able to? Could it be, that I am stronger and better than the criticism I got while speaking my mind?
Perhaps I am supposed to be more certain of myself. I used to want things for myself, but the past five years, I seem to want things to show the negative people that they were wrong. I want to be great, so that they’ll see that they were wrong. Maybe it’s for the wrong reasons, but I find it’s the most inspirational one. Gives me an edge, gives me a drive.
But first, I should move. I should move out of my comfort zone, my bubble, put myself out there and be the dartboard with no fear of darts. Bring it on. You know?
And then, with more experience, I could move away. Away from this house, away from this town. And then I would be doing so, with more faith in myself, more confidence, more talent, more soul. If you’re gonna do something, do it like you mean it. I guess it’s time for my new slogan. “Play music, or die trying”. Lame.
But I need to look at things differently. I need to push harder. I need to grab a hold of what breaks me, and squeeze it into hours of work. I need to catch the breath I’ve lost, the air I so desperately search for when waking up in the middle of the night. Need to jump between the rocks that seem to be too far away from each other. Need to take a leap, need to believe, need to do…try… Need change. Need to not give a fuck about anything else.
Maybe that’s why I leave people, leave relationships. I think they make me feel like I’m being held back. Like shackles, fetters, binding my feet to the ground, imprisoning my wrists around their hearts. No, it’s not for me.
I’m meant to be alone, I can feel it in my skin. I’m supposed to have friends, but no restricting partnership. I’m supposed to have good people around me, the kind that supports me when I get my new ticket out, the kind that cheers on me when I jump and fall on my face. The kind that doesn’t give a damn about ownership. The kind of friends that want you to be free, and happy. The kind that’s hard to find.
I’m lucky to have found so many already. I’ve lost many friends, but the good ones stayed. And I’m happy to have combed out the tangled hair.
I want to be my own person. I am my own person. But I can’t stand it when some person takes more place than I do. I hate it when I become a supporting role and this human takes the lead role of my movie. It’s happened, you know. It’s easy to slip into that glitch. You start hanging out with this person’s friends, and you sort of morph into their movie, and lose your own. And you change. I’m done with it.
My family thinks I’ll reproduce eventually. Although I’ve made it perfectly clear that I won’t provide new family members, unless dogs count. Don’t want it, don’t have time for it, and I’ll probably never be ready for it financially nor mentally.
This is all about one simple thing. My life has become a mission, for one thing only: To prove to the people around me that I can, that I could, that they are wrong, that they were wrong all along. That everything IS possible, that you CAN accomplish your dreams. No matter how unlikely or difficult the success may be. I will do it. It will happen. Some day I’ll be talented, some day I’ll bring something to the table. Some day I’ll be able to make people feel, make people brave, make people believe, with music. Or with words. Or with pictures. Some day.
I don’t believe in compliments, I believe in criticism. And I think I am my own worst critic. That’s probably cause I don’t have a filter, as I don’t have to spare my own feelings. I try not to shatter myself, I try to see the good things about what I do as well as the bad. Sometimes I even get surprised, because I’ve told myself I’m shit so many times, and then I’ll hear a recording I’ve made that doesn’t suck.
I’m guessing that it’ll get better the more I practice. And I’m guessing that my criticism and skills will enhance simultaneously. Which is progress.
This is it. Time to get started.
Time to get started. Fuck all the people, held back by negative, poisonous tongues. They don’t know better, they don’t know how much strength this provides us. Let’s prove them wrong, take a jump, take a risk, not look back.. Let’s show these assholes how possible everything really is.
Stay awesome, stay strong, words mean nothing when actions prove otherwise.
And, have a wonderful day.