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Today I woke up exhausted. Still, after two cups of coffee, some toast, and a shower, I started dancing around and singing. These days are a rarity, when music sounds 10 times better than usual, when your moves aren’t half bad, when energy completely overflows your body.
I’ve made depressing drafts, and failed to publish it. Mostly because there are people that I know, who read this blog from time to time, but also because publishing it would be even more depressing than actually writing it.
Today I feel like doing everything. Typical of me to get like this at 16:00 on a Sunday.. How come I don’t just wake up like this at 08:00 every morning? Mood swings are the worst. But the way I feel right now makes up for all the time feeling adequate. I want to play guitar, write, paint, exercise, go for a walk, dance.. I even want to clean.
Not putting on make up today. Not gonna meet people today. Gonna absorb all this loveliness by my lonesome self. Not that i’m lonesome. What kind of a word is that anyway? And why do I hear Elvis Presley’s voice in my head while typing it?
Nah, it does make sense. Looked it up, I did.
I want to move. I want to learn. I want to experience. I want to meet the people I’ve never seen before. I want to start up my new band. Not that it’s all about me. Haha, except it is. My head, my blog, my dreams.
I want to do all this, but there’s this tiny little problem about it. I got no talent. I suppose that the talent could develop eventually. Like a step 2.
Step One could be to move away and meet the people I’m supposed to meet. The people I don’t know exist yet. And then Step Two could be to evolve. Start playing with better musicians, learn, progress. I think I need a plan. People who succeed always got a plan. Where do I go? Where do I begin? How do I finance it all? Do I just go, and figure it all out when I get there?
Location, location, location. That’s what our teacher always said in media and communication. Not always, but often. To make a plan, find the location. To make a movie, find the locations of the filming, etc..
But I am a very absent-minded, and I easily get lost. Luckily I’m good at adapting, and while getting lost, I never lose myself. I do believe there are the places you are trying to go, and then there are the places you are supposed to be at. Like missing your bus, and ending up exchanging incredible stories with a stranger, enriching your experiences, broadening your horizons. Or like taking a shortcut, ending up taking the longest route, and finding some answer you’ve been looking for, simply by exploring your own mind in peace.
Could I possibly have a place in this world after all? Could it be… that I might do the things they never thought I was able to? Could it be, that I am stronger and better than the criticism I got while speaking my mind?
Perhaps I am supposed to be more certain of myself. I used to want things for myself, but the past five years, I seem to want things to show the negative people that they were wrong. I want to be great, so that they’ll see that they were wrong. Maybe it’s for the wrong reasons, but I find it’s the most inspirational one. Gives me an edge, gives me a drive.
But first, I should move. I should move out of my comfort zone, my bubble, put myself out there and be the dartboard with no fear of darts. Bring it on. You know?
And then, with more experience, I could move away. Away from this house, away from this town. And then I would be doing so, with more faith in myself, more confidence, more talent, more soul. If you’re gonna do something, do it like you mean it. I guess it’s time for my new slogan. “Play music, or die trying”. Lame.
But I need to look at things differently. I need to push harder. I need to grab a hold of what breaks me, and squeeze it into hours of work. I need to catch the breath I’ve lost, the air I so desperately search for when waking up in the middle of the night. Need to jump between the rocks that seem to be too far away from each other. Need to take a leap, need to believe, need to do…try… Need change. Need to not give a fuck about anything else.
Maybe that’s why I leave people, leave relationships. I think they make me feel like I’m being held back. Like shackles, fetters, binding my feet to the ground, imprisoning my wrists around their hearts. No, it’s not for me.
I’m meant to be alone, I can feel it in my skin. I’m supposed to have friends, but no restricting partnership. I’m supposed to have good people around me, the kind that supports me when I get my new ticket out, the kind that cheers on me when I jump and fall on my face. The kind that doesn’t give a damn about ownership. The kind of friends that want you to be free, and happy. The kind that’s hard to find.
I’m lucky to have found so many already. I’ve lost many friends, but the good ones stayed. And I’m happy to have combed out the tangled hair.
I want to be my own person. I am my own person. But I can’t stand it when some person takes more place than I do. I hate it when I become a supporting role and this human takes the lead role of my movie. It’s happened, you know. It’s easy to slip into that glitch. You start hanging out with this person’s friends, and you sort of morph into their movie, and lose your own. And you change. I’m done with it.
My family thinks I’ll reproduce eventually. Although I’ve made it perfectly clear that I won’t provide new family members, unless dogs count. Don’t want it, don’t have time for it, and I’ll probably never be ready for it financially nor mentally.
This is all about one simple thing. My life has become a mission, for one thing only: To prove to the people around me that I can, that I could, that they are wrong, that they were wrong all along. That everything IS possible, that you CAN accomplish your dreams. No matter how unlikely or difficult the success may be. I will do it. It will happen. Some day I’ll be talented, some day I’ll bring something to the table. Some day I’ll be able to make people feel, make people brave, make people believe, with music. Or with words. Or with pictures. Some day.
I don’t believe in compliments, I believe in criticism. And I think I am my own worst critic. That’s probably cause I don’t have a filter, as I don’t have to spare my own feelings. I try not to shatter myself, I try to see the good things about what I do as well as the bad. Sometimes I even get surprised, because I’ve told myself I’m shit so many times, and then I’ll hear a recording I’ve made that doesn’t suck.
I’m guessing that it’ll get better the more I practice. And I’m guessing that my criticism and skills will enhance simultaneously. Which is progress.
This is it. Time to get started.
Time to get started. Fuck all the people, held back by negative, poisonous tongues. They don’t know better, they don’t know how much strength this provides us. Let’s prove them wrong, take a jump, take a risk, not look back.. Let’s show these assholes how possible everything really is.
Stay awesome, stay strong, words mean nothing when actions prove otherwise.
And, have a wonderful day.
This is why we use picks. I’m feeling really inspired right now, my life is about to change. I might fall into depression, or i might rise gloriously. Do I go for the impossible? Do I say fuck you to all the obstacles, burge beyond them, and fight through the mass of doubt that I am so generously handed? How do I know if I even stand a chance?
I’m sure that if I don’t, it’ll still be worth the try. It’s going to be a hell of a ride. Regardless.
Be ready. I’m gonna make your head spin. If not now – soon. If not soon – later. If not later – I’m either dead or you are.
Stay awesome, you can do whatever you want.
Today I would like to write about love and commitment.
Relationships and promises. Forever and never. Love.
The “I love you so much I hate you”, the “I am yours and you
are mine”, the “I love you more than you love me”, and of course
the “Let’s just break it off”.
Love never dies, it moves, it changes. So when we decide not
to be a part of the couple we once were, it’s not about lost love
and broken promises. It’s not about false impressions, or lies.
It’s rather the change of love, and the changes within the
individuals, spiritually and maybe even physically.
Sure, it is beautiful when two people find each other,
experience love at first sight, and stay together for the rest
of their lives. But if they stay together, just because of a
promise, just because of commitment, or the fear of living
alone, is it not more pathetic than beautiful?
Perhaps I am being cynical here.
Love and commitment deserve all the respect in the world.
To make a decision and to stick with it forever, it is truly
a remarkable thing to do. And if that commitment makes
you happy, wake up with a smile on your face, then my guess
is that you are a very lucky person.
Maybe we can create our own happiness. I’m not saying that
every relationship has their expiration date, although a lot of
couples break up just because they don’t want to sort out the
quarrels and issues that they may have along the way, it’s
just that I believe that some people are meant to fall in love,
but not to stay together.
After all, it is when we love that we are the most alive.
It is when we fall in love that we awaken, feel every beat of
our hearts, dance in the rain, and lie sleepless in our beds just
thinking of things we can’t change or manipulate.
Love is what makes life interesting.
But get this, being miserable is also all of those things. It
is beautiful, the pain that comes with loss. It is remarkable,
the loneliness, the loss of control. The longing for the voice
you used to hear so often, and the spring that makes you
anxious, excited, bubbling with anticipation – just before
fall in love all over again.
Love never dies, but a relationship can end. Personalities
change, our goals and dreams evolve, and sometimes that
leads to a break-up. Sometimes it leads to a new special
chapter of the relationship.
But if one person thinks it’s a bad idea to continue the
romance, there’s no use in convincing them otherwise.
Sometimes we don’t understand our partner’s decision.
Personally I think it’s best to talk about it properly, so that
there’s no confusion as to why it’s over. If the other person
is not ready to hear explanations, decides to blame you, and
respond with anger and arguments, then that’s their choice.
Maybe someday they will realize that it was for the best.
I don’t have much to say about the perfect relationship,
because there is no issues, no doubt, no misery…
To promise forever, and leave the next day, is not a good
commitment. To promise forever, and then months later
find that there is not much hold in the relationship, is
evolving and realizing factors that you were too in love
to see before.
It is of course hard to hurt someone you care about.
But if it feels right, it is right. Pain will decrease, become
more and more transparent, and eventually spring will
come once more. Acceptance is important, and in time
it will come. We love, we love differently, we change.
I don’t think there’s anything bad in love. Regardless.
And maybe we even learn how to love better as we
change and dare to move on.
Stay awesome <3
We all want to improve ourselves. We all want to be better than we are, have more energy, do all those things that we always dreamed of doing.. We all want adventure. We all want to laugh. We dream of dancing around bonfires with all our best friends, but instead we are stuck in front of screens, updating profile pictures, worrying about the next paycheck and whether or not your plans for the future are further away than you thought.
I want to be outside more, I want to see my friends more, I want to accomplish more than I have. Still, here I am sitting, rotting away, getting weaker each day, loosing focus, loosing drive. Loosing inspiration. Little by little, this room captivates me, imprisons me, fills my spirit with limitations and doubt. I need to get out.
Today we had a big family dinner party. My brother and his fiancee came to visit, and arrived last night, so today was the day of the dinner. Mom told me to go dress up. We ate, we drank, we laughed, and my stepfather fell asleep in the chair. Not due to alcohol, but because of overworking this whole week.
So from around 20-21 ish to now; 01:30, I’ve been wearing make-up and wearing a glittery dress. I feel bad I didn’t have time to do my nails though.
After working from 07:00 – 15:00, and being able to attend and keep up conversations, I’m feeling rather impressed about myself. Apparantly it’s not the ‘staying awake thing’ that is my problem. It’s the ‘not staying asleep’.
So I was standing in the bathroom about to remove my make-up, and realized that I hadn’t uploaded anything on my blog in a while, although I probably promised to do so, as I often do make promises I don’t keep. So here’s a little something. I do believe this dress is bought at freequent, btw.
With, almost without and without make-up. My photographic abilities are limited right now, as I am a little bit more relaxed and indifferent to quality than usual. *COFF*Alcohol.
It’s easy to forget to socialize with family, because they’re just always there, in the background, and they often just blurr out and loose focus in the picture of the now and friends. But they are important. And usually they’re pretty decent people. If you hate your mom, sister, dad, brother or whatever, you might just need some more time together. After all, understanding is the cure for arguments and hatred.
Outch, didn’t mean to start so superficial and then end it all with … that.
Stay awesome <3
We all need inspiration for doing what we love. Sometimes we get inspiration by doing what we love. But what if there comes a time when everything is just gone? When your inspiration cup looks empty..
Usually I find myself most inspired when I’m depressed. This goes for everything I do. Writing, photographing, painting, and playing music. Also for knitting.. Damn, I got a lot of hobbies. Anyways.. What if I’m happy, or even just content, how do I get inspiration?
I guess I could just watch the news, to get depressed again, but I want to be able to feel inspired in a blissful mood.
Painting to the left – nostalgic mood
Painting to the right – good mood
The one I painted in a good mood, is obviously not finished. Usually I don’t finish the paintings I don’t complete in the same day. But I will finish this one. I have to.
This song I made after my grandfather died..
And this one I made for my nieces. Their mother is norwegian, and their father is australian, so therefore it’s in both english and norwegian.
It’s a children’s song, and it’s also unfinished.
It’s definitely something I need to practice on. Making things in a good mood and completing them. Usually I go to music and art for comfort, it’s the same for this blog. If you look at my old posts, there are more depressing posts than feelgood posts. Usually I just post pictures if I’m happy, cause pictures say more than a thousand words.
It’s not fair to you people reading it, and it’s also not fair to myself to produce so much sadness. Well, maybe some people find comfort in my words or work, but I want to spread smiles as well. Not only tears and deep questions about life and it’s meaning.
My next post will be of progress. I will force myself to improve. I want to be better, and I will create something beautiful and not depressing.
I don’t know what it will be, maybe text, maybe music, or perhaps a painting. Something will be published, hopefully in just a few days. So buckle up, this is going to be a bumpy ride.