Problem about relationships; usually one person will be on top, and the other one at bottom (not referring to sexual encounters). Because people are about control, and sometimes they fight about control without even noticing. Tragic, is it not, when we try to break down the person we love. And when they respond to this behaviour, we look for reasons as to why it’s all their fault. And whatever the outcome is, whether or not we’ve lost, we can fall out of love, because regardless; the control has been moved, and this might change the way we look at each other. Because this might change the way we look at ourselves.
If it is possible not to fight for control, will I become the doormat, or could it be that we could be respectful and loving as well as peaceful as a team? How can we even find the answer to this? Always with the arguments, the distance, the lack of understanding..
I know that I can love too much, if there’s even such a thing, and I know that I can stop myself from feeling all together. Now THAT’S control. Not being ruled by emotions, not being pushed around by confusion made out by these feelings.. But then again, what’s the point of control when you’re missing out on the essentials of life? Feeling is the magic of life. Feelings makes out the colors, the ecstasy, the sorrow. Feelings make things interesting, and suffering a heartbreak – that is the most interesting of all. Because you feel the hole in your chest that the emotion of love left you with, you know how powerful it can be, and it’s beautiful.
I don’t mean to come off as a whiny bitch, but that’s the thing about philosophy and poetry, sometimes I can’t help myself but combining the two. Sorry.
But I have wondered about myself, what is it that brings me back and forth on being certain? I know that I often feel sure about myself and my relationships, but I’ve noticed that I often lose courage, that I often find doubt, regarding myself and the people around me. Could it be that this battle for control is happening even when I’m not aware of it?
Could it be that when I let my guard down, they swing for the knockout punch (psychologically speaking), to win the superiority, to win the control, and then I find myself wondering about myself and my opponent, and perhaps this happens for the other one too, or maybe no one even thinks about it.
The point is, I think we all search for control. I think it might be natural for people to control other people. Maybe that’s why we want a dog, maybe that’s why we need a companion, so that we have someone to quarrel with, to win over, to be smarter than. I don’t fight for control on purpose. But I think I’ve noticed sometimes when people have tried it on me. And I think I’ve started to see my own behavior not only as the innocent kind, as I once thought it was, but also as it might be interpreted as – controlling.
But if we don’t fight for control, will other people be the boss of us? Does it have to be a fight, or could we all just coexist?
I wonder about it, I wish for peace, but I also want respect. If I’m not respected, if I’m not considered as meaningful, than I’d rather not be considered at all. I’d rather be someone you once knew, than to be your obedient dog. As does it go the other way too, I’d rather leave you, than to be in control of you.
I type my conclusions, my sentences, my thoughts, but like I said, most of these fights happens in the shadows. So is there a way to back away from it all, when we can’t even see all the times it gets done, by ourselves, by our friends, by our mothers, by our lovers, when we’re blind from what lies underneath the covers.
If we think about it often, perhaps it could be done, if we had the patience, had the guts, to try and trust and love.
But for now I remain doubtful, for now I’m filled with flaws. I don’t even know all the things that people think I know.