If I told you that I have a plan, it was probably a lie. If I’ve told you that I can do something, I probably haven’t thought about how much work it’s gonna take. Words have their way of encouraging and discouraging, and sometimes we get lost in words and forget their meaning. I know I might have a tendency to do this.
I don’t know if it’s the lack of contentment, or if it’s the fact that I need to get out. I’ve spoken about getting out a lot, how important it is for me to keep moving, never settle down.. Every time I settle, I break. In style, nevertheless, but still; things tend to fall apart.
It may be the child in me, so easily bored with it’s surroundings, that gives me this urge to always carry my life in a bag. Perhaps this is why I felt so happy when I spent some days in the woods without a home. I could go anywhere, sleep anywhere, and best of all, it was all mine. No one could enter my camp and start corrupting the peacefulness. No one knew where it was. No one knew where I was. I didn’t tell them.
All the footage I took was video, so I had to screenshot my videos to be able to show you. Anyways, here are some pictures from my time in the woods.
I had to climb trees to build this thing.
This is the bed I made. What I had time to make, that is.
I do miss being out there. But these days it’s too cold. I don’t know enough about survival to be able to survive to be honest. But I will. Perhaps next year I’ll make it my project to get better. Everything is so peaceful out there, away from the cars, the noise and the poisoned air. You get to think in a new way, you get to spend real time with yourself. I must say that it was probably the best experience I’ve ever had as to bad living conditions. And I know what you’re thinking. Yes, I did shower and wash my clothes. My cousin and his boyfriend lent me their shower and washing machine. And yes, to that second question. I could have if I wanted to, but this is something I wanted to do. When you first lose your place to live, why not try it out a little bit, like for real? Just to have the experience..?
I miss it. Perhaps next time I can do it more properly. I would definitely like to go further into the woods, and maybe even bring a kayak. But then I should probably bring someone with me. Like my dad or something. That would be amazing!
Right now I feel like I’m stumbling in my own feet. Everything is happening so fast, and everyone is going somewhere, following a plan, keeping their eyes on the price, which is a dead end job, and no one has time to just exists. Simply exist. No, there’s always a deadline, a chore, people expecting something.. Except that no one expects shit. They’re all too busy making their own ends meet, and doing what other people [don't] expect from them again..
I couldn’t live that life. I can not live that life. Perhaps I am too lazy, to make an effort. Or just hopeless, stupid, distant, naive, childish – you name it.. It doesn’t matter. I will find my path, I will find the life that I want for myself, and I will contribute to whatever country I find myself being a citizen of at that time. But until then, let me stumble. I know I will find it, when the time is right, so I will explore what attracts me, and I will fail a lot. I am going to fail so bad that my family will cover their ears when we talk, and I know this, because I am willing to put up a fight for what I believe in. How can I settle for something I don’t love? How can I be just okay with what I do with my life? I can’t. And in order to find success, one must also find failure. It’s true, I just decided this.
After all, how can one thing exist, if it doesn’t have it’s opposite?
04:50.. I should get some rest. It’s hard to wake up and do something with my days when I sleep so comfortably, and have a filled fridge downstairs. There’s heat, light-switches, hot water.. I honestly can not believe how comfortable this house of my moms is. I am grateful of course, because she worked so hard to make it possible for me to have this, but at the same time, I feel bad.
I don’t feel bad just because I have it so much better than most of the people in the world, but also because if I wasn’t born, it would have saved my family a lot of misery. I am the second most hopeless person in our family, according to certain modern standards, and I think I’ve made my parents cry a lot, as I’ve gone about the world making my own mistakes. Some of them more stupid than others.
But I believe that when you create life, whether you did so intentionally or not, it is to give an individual the body it needs to make it’s own decisions and experience life. Is that not what we’re all here to do?
Alright, I’m out. Good night.